Dear Dissociative Identity Disorder.

hello! 

Power. Its such a strange concept. you can be powerful, have super powers, give power or take power away. Some power has a positive affect on us and other power not so much. 

Giving power to something big, scary or intimidating is somewhat human, although not entirely wise. If you give your power to something or someone that you dont necessarily want to do then you will have no power left for you. No power to kick ass, no power to eat cake no power to fight on and recover. 

 After my diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder (DID) i gave 90% of my power to DID. Because of this i have been living a life filled with fear, shame and denial. 

I need so much more than that tiny 10% of power i had left to thrive and live the life i long for and dare i say it... deserve. 

So here we are taking back my power from living in the fearful shadows.

Dear DID

I don't know where to start or even how to write this letter but i'm hoping that maybe it will help me process things. They say you saved my life, saved me from madness and from horror, but i hope you can understand sometimes i don't believe that. Each day you cause me pain, the headaches, the confusion,the disorientation. I'm ashamed of you and each day i long for you to go away, but you never do, you prevail against all the hate and abuse i shout at you. I feel like a puppet under your control, my strings so tightly bound to you that i don't know who i am. And thats the problem isn't it, i don't know who i am because i am more than me. I am poppy, timid fragile scared and quiet. I am jemma, angry argumentative strong and destructive. I am casper, cheeky fun talkative and free. The others? who knows, its a slow process finding out who you are. Its hard to believe that you were protecting me, yet splintering and scrambling my brain at the time. Sometimes i accept you, and want to learn to like you, but thats shortly reversed when you leave me lying on the floor confused with the time loss and wondering where i've been.

I try to deny who i am sometimes but today i write this letter to you to say i acknowledge what you have done for me today.