From denial to acceptance

hello!

Most of my life I have lived with constant shame looming over my head, denying my true self and doing my absolute best not to let my façade of ‘fine’ slip away. I have been controlled and manipulated so much by people in my past that I have even learnt and allowed my own emotions to do the same. This is not an ideal way to live, in actuality im just existing. I’ve been conditioned and programmed through outside influences to be this way – but it dosn’t have to stay like this forever. I can break the shell I have encased around myself. 

How? You may ask. I’m no buddah but I’ve had some pretty sound advice from a lot of people. The running theme throughout has been acceptance. Accept your reality, accept your past, accept any wrong doings that were done towards you (this dosn’t mean you have to be ok with it) and then there is room and a chance to grow.

Denial and shame take up so much of our daily lives that we don’t leave enough room for our true self. If we are not happy with who we are and do not accept our self then we are not truely living a whole and complete life.

Easier said than done I know. Acceptance wont come overnight and it wont take all the negatives away but I know from experience that accepting just a small amount can significantly improve your relationship with yourself, people around you and your experiences.

I pretended I had the perfect upbringing and white picket fence family – where did this get me? Envying every family I saw who seemed to portray the lie I was telling myself.

I wouldn’t accept that I needed help. This resulted in a significant number of admissions to hospital against my will, where I refused to do any kind of work to help myself.

I wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to discuss dissociative identity disorder (DID), I was ashamed and looked at those with this condition like they were mad which only hindered my own recovery.

Although I am still a long way from complete acceptance (if that exists) I now acknowledge that my past was far from normal, and the ‘perfect’ family unit dosn’t really exist. I accept that sometimes I do need more help than others to complete some tasks and finally, I accept I have DID. And although sometimes I feel mad, I know I am not.

“Normality is over rated, madness is much more fun”