Rejection
In everyone's life there is rejection. From jobs, universities, friends and family. I can imagine all significantly impacting your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Sometimes these rejections can be easily dealt with, or may take longer to find the strength to carry on, some you may never get over. The latter is what I have experienced in more recent months.
Trust. Trust for me is at most times a foreign concept, I do not trust easily, I do not trust often, and I do not trust just anyone. For me to trust someone, it may takes months or even years to develop enough comfortability to be open, honest and truthful.
Shame. Shame is a constant dark cloud looming over my head. Shame about my past and shame about my present and the way my brain has learned to cope.
When building relationships ultimatly the main goal is for the shame to diminish and trust take its place. Trust that the person will understand and accept who you are.
Having DID, there are many sides of me that have there own levels of trust and there own thoughts and feelings about shame.
When eventually opening up to someone whole heartedly and maybe even naively optimisticly you hope that they will bring joy, happiness and kindness to what is a horrible world you live in. A glimmer of hope crosses your mind that the lonely and isolated world you live in may have become more brighter, more happier and less lonely.
But then it happens. The rejection. Your fear from the very start. You've spent weeks,months years learning to trust them, build a relationship, let your walls down, and then that's it. In one letter, one word, one email, one call. People won't want to know you they won't carry on with the small talk that was keeping you naively optimistic about this world, that was keeping you feeling so desperately alone that you would rather not wake up. It's happened. They don't want to know you anymore. No small talk, no chit chat,no contact, nothing. Hear you are back to square one, hating the world and those within it, because truly we don't know what people are really like. When push comes to shove, when they no longer care and have had enough, back on the forgotten pile where you began and maybe belong. You go to send that message and realise you can't, they no longer care for your small meaningless milestones and achievements, you wipe the tears from your cheek and remember that those achievements don't matter anymore.
Rejection is intense, it rips through your heart,your mind,every inch of your body. Why bother talking to anyone when they will forget you at the drop of a hat. Rejection hurts, it hurts so bad you lay there at night in pain wondering what you did wrong.
It's a feeling I don't think I will ever forget, a feeling I will never get over, a feeling I promise myself I will never allow to happen again.
Sometimes these rejections can be easily dealt with, or may take longer to find the strength to carry on, some you may never get over. The latter is what I have experienced in more recent months.
Trust. Trust for me is at most times a foreign concept, I do not trust easily, I do not trust often, and I do not trust just anyone. For me to trust someone, it may takes months or even years to develop enough comfortability to be open, honest and truthful.
Shame. Shame is a constant dark cloud looming over my head. Shame about my past and shame about my present and the way my brain has learned to cope.
When building relationships ultimatly the main goal is for the shame to diminish and trust take its place. Trust that the person will understand and accept who you are.
Having DID, there are many sides of me that have there own levels of trust and there own thoughts and feelings about shame.
When eventually opening up to someone whole heartedly and maybe even naively optimisticly you hope that they will bring joy, happiness and kindness to what is a horrible world you live in. A glimmer of hope crosses your mind that the lonely and isolated world you live in may have become more brighter, more happier and less lonely.
But then it happens. The rejection. Your fear from the very start. You've spent weeks,months years learning to trust them, build a relationship, let your walls down, and then that's it. In one letter, one word, one email, one call. People won't want to know you they won't carry on with the small talk that was keeping you naively optimistic about this world, that was keeping you feeling so desperately alone that you would rather not wake up. It's happened. They don't want to know you anymore. No small talk, no chit chat,no contact, nothing. Hear you are back to square one, hating the world and those within it, because truly we don't know what people are really like. When push comes to shove, when they no longer care and have had enough, back on the forgotten pile where you began and maybe belong. You go to send that message and realise you can't, they no longer care for your small meaningless milestones and achievements, you wipe the tears from your cheek and remember that those achievements don't matter anymore.
Rejection is intense, it rips through your heart,your mind,every inch of your body. Why bother talking to anyone when they will forget you at the drop of a hat. Rejection hurts, it hurts so bad you lay there at night in pain wondering what you did wrong.
It's a feeling I don't think I will ever forget, a feeling I will never get over, a feeling I promise myself I will never allow to happen again.
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