My Christmas struggle
hello!
For the majority of people all over the world, excitement is building and Christmas cheer is spreading. Presents are being exchanged and friends and families come together. However, for some people Christmas can be a time of lonliness, sadness and a reminder of past events. It can be difficult to witness the love within a family when you do not have that, it can be a difficult reminder seeing children being doted upon, spoilt and loved when you may have never experienced this as a child.
I wanted to share one of my greatest difficulties and biggest Christmas struggle.
Receiving presents is great, I doubt there is many people that become anxious, worried and filled with terror when receiving a gift from someone. Growing up within my family I was labelled the 'spoilt' one, my brother and my sister much older than I, resented the amount of things I was bought, I did too. Nobody was able to see the dark and insidious ulterior motive behind the latest and newest toys I was gifted.
My reward for staying quiet on a Sunday morning
My prize for telling people I'm fine when they asked about the bruise
My gift for staying locked away for days on end
My payment for travelling 100 miles to allow 5 men to break my already fractured soul
This is not my reality anymore. But after years and years of this being my every day life it is hard to see the genuine care behind being given a present. My rational 22 year old self understands that there is no hidden agenda behind that new candle, but I can not shake the feeling of shame, terror and panic that comes with it.
With that being said I try my hardest each and every year to look for the good in everything at this festive time. With each year I try to make new Christmas traditions, new Christmas memories and hopefully, one day, these will outweigh the pain.
For the majority of people all over the world, excitement is building and Christmas cheer is spreading. Presents are being exchanged and friends and families come together. However, for some people Christmas can be a time of lonliness, sadness and a reminder of past events. It can be difficult to witness the love within a family when you do not have that, it can be a difficult reminder seeing children being doted upon, spoilt and loved when you may have never experienced this as a child.
I wanted to share one of my greatest difficulties and biggest Christmas struggle.
Receiving presents is great, I doubt there is many people that become anxious, worried and filled with terror when receiving a gift from someone. Growing up within my family I was labelled the 'spoilt' one, my brother and my sister much older than I, resented the amount of things I was bought, I did too. Nobody was able to see the dark and insidious ulterior motive behind the latest and newest toys I was gifted.
My reward for staying quiet on a Sunday morning
My prize for telling people I'm fine when they asked about the bruise
My gift for staying locked away for days on end
My payment for travelling 100 miles to allow 5 men to break my already fractured soul
With that being said I try my hardest each and every year to look for the good in everything at this festive time. With each year I try to make new Christmas traditions, new Christmas memories and hopefully, one day, these will outweigh the pain.
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